You鈥檝e reached a standstill with your mother and father, who are in their late 80s. You think they need some help in the home, but they vigorously refuse. You鈥檙e frustrated because you want to make their lives easier. They鈥檙e angry because they think you鈥檙e interfering in their affairs.
Can negotiation and dispute resolution techniques used in the business world help defuse these kinds of conflicts?
Yes, say a group of researchers at Northwestern University. And they鈥檙e on to something.
These experts have developed a training curriculum on negotiation and dispute resolution for social workers, care managers, and health care professionals who regularly work with resistant older adults. Materials for family caregivers are being developed, too.
Instead of avoiding difficult issues or simply telling people what to do (鈥淵ou鈥檒l need home health aides several times a week for the foreseeable future鈥), professionals learn to elicit what鈥檚 most important to older adults and approach arranging care as a collaboration, not an edict from on high.
鈥淧eople get into so many arguments when they get older. It鈥檚 something I see every day in my work,鈥 said Lee Lindquist, chief of geriatrics at Northwestern University鈥檚 Feinberg School of Medicine, who鈥檚 leading the project. Its goal is to de-escalate conflicts and make it easier for older people to receive needed support, she said.
In May, Lindquist and her team planned to launch another part of the project: a trial of a computer-based training program for family caregivers of people with mild cognitive impairment or early-stage dementia. The program, called NegotiAge, features avatars of older adults and allows caregivers to practice negotiation techniques under different scenarios.
鈥淵ou get thrown different situations, different emotions, and you get to play the game of negotiation as often as you want,鈥 Lindquist said. Nearly $4 million in funding for the project comes from the National Institutes of Health. After evaluating the program鈥檚 effectiveness, Lindquist hopes to make NegotiAge widely available.
In the meantime, there are several steps family caregivers can take to forestall or resolve conflicts with older parents.
Prepare
Preparation is essential for any type of negotiation, advised Jeanne Brett, professor emerita of dispute resolution and organizations at Northwestern鈥檚 Kellogg School of Management and a member of the NegotiAge team. 鈥淵ou want to think through answers to several fundamental questions: What issues need to be addressed? Who are the parties invested in these issues? What are the parties鈥 positions on each of these issues? Why do you believe they鈥檙e taking those positions? And what鈥檚 going to happen if we can鈥檛 reach an agreement?鈥
It’s helpful to write down answers to these questions in a planning document. Be sure to include yourself among the parties and spell out your goals for the conversations to come.
What might this look like in practice? Let鈥檚 say you want your father, who鈥檚 in his early 90s, to stop driving, because he鈥檚 started getting lost and his vision isn鈥檛 great. The people with a stake in the discussion include your father, your elderly mother, you, your two siblings, and your father鈥檚 physician.
Your mom may be concerned about your father鈥檚 safety but hesitant to raise the issue for fear of provoking an argument. One of your siblings may agree it鈥檚 time to take away the car keys, while the other may think Dad is still fine on the road. The doctor may recommend a driving evaluation and subsequently offer his professional opinion.
Look for Common Interests
Your job is to find areas where these parties鈥 interests intersect and work from there. Everyone wants your father to remain active and see his friends on a regular basis. Everyone wants to ensure he doesn鈥檛 injure himself or anyone else on the road. Everyone wants to respect his desire for independence. No one wants to label him incompetent.
Brett distinguishes between positions, such as 鈥淚鈥檓 not going to stop driving,鈥 and interests, or the reasons why someone takes a position. In this case, Dad may be afraid of becoming isolated, losing autonomy, or giving up control over his affairs. But he, too, may worry about hurting somebody else unintentionally.
Negotiations have the best chance of success when they address the interests of all the parties involved, Brett noted. Don鈥檛 adopt an adversarial approach. Rather, emphasize that you鈥檙e on the same team. The goal isn鈥檛 for one side to win; it鈥檚 for people to work together to find a solution to the issue at hand.
Ask Questions
Don鈥檛 assume you know why your parent is taking a certain position (鈥淚 don鈥檛 want to go to the doctor鈥). Instead, ask follow-up questions, such as 鈥淲hy?鈥 or 鈥淲hy not?鈥
If an older person snaps, 鈥淚 don鈥檛 want to talk about it,鈥 don鈥檛 back away. Acknowledge their discomfort by saying, 鈥淚 understand this is difficult,鈥 while adding, 鈥淚 care about you and I want to know more.鈥
Lindquist favors starting difficult discussions with patients with open-ended questions: 鈥淲hat are some things you鈥檙e having issues with? What are you doing that you wish you could be doing differently? What would make your life easier?鈥
Listening carefully and making the person you鈥檙e negotiating with feel heard and respected is essential. If one of Lindquist鈥檚 patients tells her, 鈥淚 make my own choices, and this is what I want,鈥 she might respond, 鈥淚 agree you鈥檙e the boss, but we鈥檙e both here to make your life better, and I鈥檓 worried about you.鈥
Brainstorm Strategies
Negotiations with family members are often charged with emotions that can easily spiral out of control. But don鈥檛 reciprocate if someone gets angry and lashes out.
鈥淲hen you鈥檙e buying a car, if you can鈥檛 agree with the dealer you鈥檙e talking to, you can go to another dealer. When you鈥檙e in a conflict with a family member, you don鈥檛 have this option. You鈥檝e got more stubbornness and more defensiveness about disabilities,鈥 Brett said, 鈥渁nd preserving relationships is even more important.鈥
Redirect your focus to brainstorming strategies that can help solve the problem at hand. Get creative and put lots of options on the table. Invite your parent to respond and ask 鈥淲hy?鈥 or 鈥淲hy not?鈥 again as needed.
If you find yourself going round and round without making progress, try saying something like, 鈥淲e could argue about this all afternoon, but neither one of us is going to give in. Let鈥檚 set aside our arguments and come up with five ways that you can get to activities without your car,鈥 Brett said.
Don鈥檛 expect to agree on a strategy right away. 鈥淵ou can say, 鈥楲et鈥檚 bring in Mom and talk about this later,鈥 or, 鈥楲et鈥檚 think about this and check in with each other next week,鈥欌 Lindquist suggested, noting that many negotiations take time and can鈥檛 be rushed.
Bring In a Third Party
If all else fails, appeal to a third party. This was Brett鈥檚 strategy when her husband, who has Parkinson鈥檚 disease and compromised vision, wanted to resume driving in 2021 after recovering from a serious fall. Brett and the couple鈥檚 daughter couldn鈥檛 convince him this might be risky, but the older man, then 89, agreed to get a driving evaluation at a facility associated with a Chicago hospital. When they recommended he stop driving, he gave up the car keys.
Brett later hired a neighbor in the small town in France where they now live to ferry her husband to appointments several times a week. Twice a week, she drives him to a nearby village where he has coffee with friends. He gets out into the world and she doesn鈥檛 worry about safety 鈥 an outcome both can live with.
We鈥檙e eager to hear from readers about questions you鈥檇 like answered, problems you鈥檝e been having with your care, and advice you need in dealing with the health care system. Visit聽聽to submit your requests or tips.
